I don't share this story often. For a long time I suppressed the darkest part of it because it was just too painful for me to remember. I share it now because I feel called to let others know support is always out there for all of us. I don't share this story as an endorsement of Christianity. Your spiritual path is your own and not for me to dictate. Just know help is always there, even when you least expect it.
I've experienced a lot of depression in my life, but never more than when my first husband left me. Looking back, I know it was a very unhealthy relationship for me, but at the time my identity was so enmeshed in his the break was devastating. I remember exactly how the split occurred. I was sitting in my parent's living room in Georgia, and he told me he no longer wanted to be married.
My pain was so great I didn't want to be a part of this world anymore. I wanted to end it all, and my mind went to the quickest way in which to do it. I knew my husband, who was a cop, had brought a gun with him in his suitcase. The TV was on and the kids were playing. After sitting there and letting the words sink in, I quietly got up, walked to the bedroom where his stuff was, and locked the door. I went to his suitcase and pulled out the gun, unlocking the safety. I sat down with my back against the door with the loaded gun in my hands, wondering what it would feel like when I died. It didn't take my husband long to realize where I was or what I was doing. He began pounding on the door, telling me how important it was that I be there for our children, my parents. Somehow, his words got through my devastation. I unlocked the door. He quickly took the gun. I didn't think about the incident for years. It was just too painful.
Fast forward fourteen years and a second marriage later. I had purchased the book The Healing Codes, by Alex Loyd and was working through the process it describes in order to heal old emotional wounds. As I worked on my issues, this scene with my now ex-husband began to appear in the forefront of my mind. It did not come back all at once. It took several times working the Healing Codes process in order for me to fully remember because it was just that painful and traumatic. I believe that the process reduced the pain of the experience enough for me to be able to look at it instead of overlook it, which I had been doing for years.
Several days after this experience, I once again found myself in that bedroom of my parents' home. However, I was not sitting on the floor with my back to the door, as I had on previous visits. This time I was standing in the opposite corner of the room looking at myself sitting on the floor. I saw my personal angels/spirit guides in the room with me, not far away. (For more about my interactions with these personal helpers go to: http://www.adventureswithsaul.blogspot.com/ ) What amazed me most though, was who was standing right beside me--Jesus.
Growing up Christian, I had known Jesus my whole life and I felt I had a personal connection to him. I looked at myself sitting there, gun in hand, wanting to end it all. I never felt him. I never knew he was there, but there he was anyway. On the darkest day of my whole life, my friend Jesus had taken the time to stand with me, doing what he could to comfort me even though I was too far gone at the time to even notice.
The point is, there is always unseen help available, even if you can't see it or feel it or hear it. We are all given personal helpers who accompany us on our daily walk, and we even have access to those spiritual beings (like Jesus) we are taught to treasure through our various upbringings when we need them. In our darkest hours, we are never alone. You can count on it.
I've experienced a lot of depression in my life, but never more than when my first husband left me. Looking back, I know it was a very unhealthy relationship for me, but at the time my identity was so enmeshed in his the break was devastating. I remember exactly how the split occurred. I was sitting in my parent's living room in Georgia, and he told me he no longer wanted to be married.
My pain was so great I didn't want to be a part of this world anymore. I wanted to end it all, and my mind went to the quickest way in which to do it. I knew my husband, who was a cop, had brought a gun with him in his suitcase. The TV was on and the kids were playing. After sitting there and letting the words sink in, I quietly got up, walked to the bedroom where his stuff was, and locked the door. I went to his suitcase and pulled out the gun, unlocking the safety. I sat down with my back against the door with the loaded gun in my hands, wondering what it would feel like when I died. It didn't take my husband long to realize where I was or what I was doing. He began pounding on the door, telling me how important it was that I be there for our children, my parents. Somehow, his words got through my devastation. I unlocked the door. He quickly took the gun. I didn't think about the incident for years. It was just too painful.
Fast forward fourteen years and a second marriage later. I had purchased the book The Healing Codes, by Alex Loyd and was working through the process it describes in order to heal old emotional wounds. As I worked on my issues, this scene with my now ex-husband began to appear in the forefront of my mind. It did not come back all at once. It took several times working the Healing Codes process in order for me to fully remember because it was just that painful and traumatic. I believe that the process reduced the pain of the experience enough for me to be able to look at it instead of overlook it, which I had been doing for years.
Several days after this experience, I once again found myself in that bedroom of my parents' home. However, I was not sitting on the floor with my back to the door, as I had on previous visits. This time I was standing in the opposite corner of the room looking at myself sitting on the floor. I saw my personal angels/spirit guides in the room with me, not far away. (For more about my interactions with these personal helpers go to: http://www.adventureswithsaul.blogspot.com/ ) What amazed me most though, was who was standing right beside me--Jesus.
Growing up Christian, I had known Jesus my whole life and I felt I had a personal connection to him. I looked at myself sitting there, gun in hand, wanting to end it all. I never felt him. I never knew he was there, but there he was anyway. On the darkest day of my whole life, my friend Jesus had taken the time to stand with me, doing what he could to comfort me even though I was too far gone at the time to even notice.
The point is, there is always unseen help available, even if you can't see it or feel it or hear it. We are all given personal helpers who accompany us on our daily walk, and we even have access to those spiritual beings (like Jesus) we are taught to treasure through our various upbringings when we need them. In our darkest hours, we are never alone. You can count on it.
Thank you for this beautiful and touching blog. It reminds me of some of the stuff I went through. Yes, absolutely true, in your darkest moments, many great ones are with you. Love & sunshine to you and to all, Liping.
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