To Do It Differently

How many times have you looked back at your life and thought, "If I knew then what I know now I would have done that much differently!" Quite often, reflections of the past bring up all the former hurts and failures you've experienced over a lifetime of actions. At times you just want to kick yourself over your own stupidity--for the pain you've caused yourself and others. The truth is, if you had the opportunity to do it differently, you would probably choose to do the same things over again.

Right now I'm sure you're saying, "Is she crazy?!!! There is no way I would choose to do the same things over again!" You understand the great pain involved in many of the choices you've made. There is no way you would purposely re-expose yourself and others to that agony again.

Hear me out. The first fallacy is the idea, "If I knew then what I know now." Life is a learning process--sort of a big experiment. You come up to an obstacle between where you are and where you want to be. You have to figure out the best way to get around it. Often there are many choices to choose from. You pick an option. Sometimes the option works out easily and you go on to the next obstacle. More often, the choice does not take you exactly where you want to go. Sometimes it brings pain. You have to choose again, but this time with the advantage of knowing something that didn't work. The point is, with all choices you gain understanding. If you had all knowledge before you made the choice, there would be absolutely no reason to be living this life on earth. Not knowing is the purpose of life!

The second fallacy is the idea that you would make different choices in order to avoid the pain involved. Think about this though. While no one enjoys pain, would you truly avoid it? Pain can be huge benefit. It is one of the best teaching tools available. Remember those times you have experienced pain. What did you learn? How did you grow? Who have you become as a result of your pain? The answers may surprise you.

This life of duality is meant to be experienced from all sides--good and bad. Ultimately if you had the chance to do things differently you would probably still do the same things because the choices you made were all part of your growth process. The result of this learning is wisdom and understanding. Live with no regret over the choices you have made. As painful as the process may have been, poor choices result in great treasure.  

The Reinvention of Me

I've lived many lifetimes within this lifetime. The first part of my life was lived in what I will call total flow. As a small child, I always went with my gut and lived in the present moment. Every day was experienced to its fullest as I sought out each new element of my world. I also had great compassion for others who were feeling sad. I could sense the pain of others, and I would often try to help them feel better. It also turned me into the champion of the underdog when I saw people being mercilessly picked on. Everyone was my friend. The world was my oyster.

This all changed when I was twelve. I intercepted a note--meant for a friend--from a new girl. The note questioned why "Cindy has to be in charge of everything." I had never before realized that other people might not like where I was leading them! I had no desire to control others--no desire to force them to do things they didn't want to do. I became a listener, but I also began to hold myself back from many things I desired to do because of the needs of others. This was my second incarnation.

My third incarnation happened when I became "an adult" at age 18. I chose to go to college hundreds of miles away from where my folks lived. I was independent for the first time in my life, and it was scary. I knew all the rules and had been a good rule follower. Now it was time to go out into the "real world" and make something of myself. This was a time of shifting identities--of trying on new hats to see if they fit. Most of them seemed fleeting and vague. I became student, wife, counselor, mother, single mother, teacher and wife again. My identity was often tied to my particular role at the moment. Some of them were not particularly healthy, and I spent a good deal of time depressed as I searched for the identity that was really me. Elements of me were always there in each of them, but none of them seemed to fit my true calling. This third incarnation was perhaps the most precarious, because it was the time I tried to fit into what the world told me I was instead of what my heart told me I was. (This is often the root cause of depression!)

My fourth incarnation began at the ripe old age of forty-five (present day). It has only been within the past year I have come to appreciate the wealth of experiences I have had, both good and bad. In all the time my identity shifted, I was in "growth mode". I was not powerless, like I felt for a long time. I was merely learning. Now that I have recognized this, I am able to use this newfound knowledge of myself to become what I was meant to become. I know I have the strong ability to sense the feelings of others. I have always desired to heal the pain of others. I also have insights I believe others value and appreciate, as well as the ability to express these ideas well through the medium of words. Although I have not yet perfectly identified how I am to do all this professionally, I am confident I am on the right path. The exact doors will open at the right time.

We are all many people at many different times in our lives. This is the growth process, the life process. Whatever stage of life you are in, know there is always something precious to be gained. If you don't like your direction because it doesn't feel "right", you are always free to change it. There are no absolutes. There is only you and your growth and your own personal evolution. This is the secret to life. Be bold and go for it!   

Shades of Gray

If there's one thing I've learned throughout forty-five years of existence, it's that there are no absolutes. Just when you think you understand how the world works, life hands you a problem and you find youself once again wondering how you arrived back at the beginning. This happens because life is not black and white but varying shades of gray.

Judgment and the "right and wrong" way of thinking come about through the teaching of the world. Look at the issue of prostitution. In most countries on this earth, it is considered a crime (and a sin). People in this profession who aren't condemned by the law or religion may be ostracized by well-meaning folks in their communities. Still, there were ancient cultures where temple prostitutes were a means of celebrating the seasons and the gift of rebirth. In these cases, prostitution and the sexual act were considered sacred. The point is, the society you live in teaches you its values, and you are judged accordingly.

Life is not about learning one set of values. We are here to feel, to experiment, and to express our own uniqueness in various ways. We grow, we discover and we learn, all in an effort to understand the many layers of ourselves and the world.  The challenge of this life comes in being able to express our own individuality, even when society says we don't fit the mold. Society does not like people who live outside the box. (That is, after all, why they killed Jesus.)

Life hands us problems so we don't become complacent with how things are and conclude we have all the answers. If you have attained all the answers in life, you should already be dead (or ascended). There is no more for you to learn, case closed!

If by some miracle you find you are indeed still alive, ask yourself what it is you need to learn. The answers may well surprise you! There are no absolutes in life, no black and white issues. Life is that much more rich for its many layers, for its varying shades of gray. Be willing to see beyond what society teaches to discover the depth your life was meant to have!

The Price of Pain

I just found out a good friend of mine is separated from her husband and is likely to divorce. She is in so much pain right now. I find myself wishing I could take away her pain and replace it with peace and joy. Still, I know taking away her pain is not possible, nor would it be good for her in the long run. Call me crazy, but I have come to understand that pain is a good thing.

Look back at your life. At what times did you find yourself growing as a person? Did you grow more when things were sailing along smoothly, or did you grow more when you were struggling in the depths of despair? As I look back at my life, I understand my greatest lessons--my greatest strengths--all came from those times when I felt the most pain: losing my newborn daughter, divorcing and raising three children as a single mom, even escaping my self-made prison of being in a cult. Those times of pain were a wake-up call, prompting me to further action. They have made me into the person I am today, and I am happy with who I have become in that process.

I do feel bad my friend is going through this big change in her life. Still, I can already see she has grown leaps and bounds through this process. She is much stronger, much wiser, much more independent. She is paying the price of pain. Soon she will be a different creature. The butterfly is shedding her cocoon, waiting to emerge more beautiful than ever, preparing to stretch out her wings and fly.

Excuses! Excuses!

I've been listening to a lot of different excuses lately. I can remember a time in my recent past when I spent a great deal of time making up my own excuses for the problems in my life. The thing is, excuses are used to justify inaction, and I'm tired of inaction. If I truly am a powerful co-creator of my life, it's time to get on with it!

For years, I've used my daughter as an excuse. Even though she is beautiful, smart and musically talented, she is also needy, temperamental and impulsive. I've spent a large portion of my parenting years trying to help her fit in while at the same time keeping the peace between her and her brothers. I have spent way too much time lamenting the fact she will probably never be "normal". It is only been within the past year I have begun to accept my daughter for who she is and the gift she is to me. Because her teen years have been particularly tumultuous, I have learned to ask different sorts of questions. In the process, truths have been revealed to me which I never would have seen had I not been forced to ask some very difficult (and even painful) questions.

What I have discovered is this: we invite and allow our own "tough experiences" into our lives in an effort to help us learn and grow. When we use these experiences to play the victim, we are denying ourselves the gifts the experience has for us. It is only when we ask different questions and look at the situation from other perspectives that we gain more insight into truth.

The next time you are confronted by the problems in life, choose to take the high road. Don't make excuses and deny yourself the opportunity for new understanding. Ask yourself the ultimate question: What am I supposed to learn from all this? The answer will surprise you. You will find yourself growing in unimaginable ways and leaving the excuses behind.

Recognizing Patterns

Caution: the content of this post contains adult topics and may not be suitable for everyone.

They say recognizing the problem is halfway to solving it. What we often fail to realize is that many of our problems are habitual patterns in our set of learned behaviors. Ever faced a problem where you've said something like, "Why do I keep making this mistake over and over again?" (This is usually the same problem with a different set of variables.) It's because you are making the same behavior choices over and over again. Until you begin to recognize the pattern, you will very likely never consciously change it. In order to become the powerful creator of your life you were meant to be, you need to be able to make informed, conscious decisions.

Years ago when I worked in a group home with emotionally disturbed children, I worked with a young girl who had been molested by several of her mom's boyfriends. At the time I was still quite young and naive, but I did have the sense to recognize the dysfunctional pattern this mother had--one where she was apparently attracted to molesters. (I have since come to understand she was probably molested herself and caught in this cycle of abuse through learned behavior.) Because this pattern was so ingrained in the mother, she eventually lost custody of her daughter because the courts deemed she could not keep her daughter safe. Fortunately, the daughter was getting help and ended up with a terrific adoptive family. I don't know if the mother ever got the help she needed. Unfortately, this story is not that uncommon.

One of my own dysfunctional patterns was the result of wanting to help others. While I wouldn't call my first marriage a bad one, it was one where I did all the giving and my husband did all the taking. The marriage fell apart when I had small children to take care of and he was no longer my first priority. In the 10+ years I spent as a single mom, I had two brief relationships before meeting my current husband. Fortunately, I was able to recognize my old pattern within those two relationships relatively quickly and I was able to let them go without much trauma. My current husband is a giver like me. I have to admit, it was uncomfortable for me when we first began dating because I was not used to being catered to. Still, I understood that I deserved to get what I put out in the universe. I changed my pattern and solved that problem.

When you get to a place of conflict in your life, ask yourself a few key questions. Have I been to this place before (maybe with different people or in a different place)? What do I need to do differently to change the outcome next time?  Then, don't beat yourself up. Life is a process of making mistakes that ultimately lead to understanding and growth. It is in recognizing our dysfunctional patterns we are able to make the changes necessary to learn from this human experience.