It's been a rough few weeks for me. As I go further along on this journey of not having a "real" job, I am increasingly uncomfortable with the thought of not having money coming in. I have worked full time since being separated from my ex--roughly 12+ years. Working for other people to earn a living has been my way of life for a long time. Even though I feel as though I had God's blessing when I quit, not seeing the immediate outcome has become unnerving.
Over the past year, I have had a lot of "talks" with God about what sort of job I would like to have. In visualizing my perfect job, I had some ideas that seemed outlandish at the time. For example, while I was teaching it seemed I never had any time for myself. I would think about my job morning, noon and night because there was always something I needed to do or something to get. This was in addition to my other full time job--being a wife and mother. I told God that in my perfect job, I would have the time to read, study and think. I would be free to ponder and meditate. I would have time to seek His insights. As I added more detail to my perfect job, I realized I still wanted to be a teacher. I would just rather teach insights and coping skills to adults as opposed to teaching children their ABC's. The problem is, where do you get a job doing that? Who has a job where they have time to sit and think and study about topics they are interested in? What sort of job teaches insights and coping skills to adults? I don't want to be a counselor or a preacher. It seemed hopeless.
This hopelessness, coupled with my husband's inability to work because of severe back problems, has made me stress over money and my lack of a job. I also felt guilty, seeing how I am able-bodied. Unfortunately, I have spent the past few weeks fruitlessly worried about what was not happening.
This week, I was able to see some sun through the clouds because of a change in my husband's circumstances. Even though he continues to see doctors and visit the physical therapist because of his back issues, he has had the opportunity to begin working part time with the the possibility of working full time down the road. Together, we had prayed that God would present him with an opportunity that would give him some flexibility for doctors appointments and take his inability to sit or stand for long periods of time into consideration. We also asked that it have some meaning and purpose. The job, amazingly, fits all of these factors! It even found him!
As I realize how well God has taken care of us in the past and still continues to take care of us now, I am overwhelmed. Knowing that he took care of my husband's needs in such a powerful way helps me remember that He has me in hand also.
This morning while my husband went to his physical therapy session, I sat in a lawn chair with my feet in the grass and a book in my hand. The book was one of the personal development books I so dearly love to read and study and think about. There I was, sitting in the sunshine with the time to reflect and think about those things that are important to me. My needs were being met, and I was filled to overflowing with ideas for topics I can write about and present in my new business venture--a personal development website. All of a sudden it hit me. I was actually in the middle of working my dream job!
I knew leaving the security of a regular job would test my faith. Still, I felt called to do something different with my life. The road is bumpy and I can't see what is beyond the bend, but as I struggle to follow that road God continues to lead me step by step. I am learning to trust Him and follow His guidance. He is helping me overcome the bumps in the road.