When All Is Stripped Away

     Life never turns out exactly how you plan it. In fact, my life has strayed so far from my original ideals I scarcely recognize it at times. I never dreamed I would find myself divorced. I never imagined I would lose a newborn to an illness. I never contemplated narrowly escaping from a cult whose members finally ended up in prison. Life has presented me with some interesting and unique obstacles, and yet when it is all said and done I am not convinced I would do it differently.
     My current challenge involves parenting. My oldest son is within weeks of graduating from high school. He is smart and a great soccer player, yet with all his talents his grades are mediocre and he even dropped out of soccer this year. I don't believe in pushing my children into a life that will make them unhappy, so here I am struggling with decisions I am afraid he will regret one day. In my original parenting dreams, my children are all top students with at least one blazing talent in some non-academic area. Ah! the reality!
     I listened to a wonderful interview on Jennifer McLean's Healing With the Masters teleseminar series (http://www.healingwiththemasters.com/) this evening with Neale Donald Walsh, author of the Conversations With God series. During the interview, Neale spent some time talking about humility and described some of his experience as a homeless man. As the life he had known was totally stripped away, the person he truly was came through. He had been defined by the world's standards. Becoming homeless revealed that light that Neale is.
     As I look at my life, I realize my challenges have been some of my greatest teachers. My life may not measure up to the world's standards as being wonderful and grand. Still, when situations come along that make me challenge those beliefs--when all has been stripped away, I do not see myself as lacking. I am able to see who I really am, and that makes all the difference.

I Hear the Voice of the Trees

I hear the voice of the trees--
They call to me and speak my name.

Come! Sit in my shade.
Lean against my strong trunk.
Feel the energy that flows to me from Mother Earth--
From my roots buried deep in the rich soil
To the veins running through my body
To the tips of my very branches and leaves.
Feel the power that flows as the Sun
Warms my leaves
And courses through my body
Back to the fertile ground.
I am alive!
Allow me to imbue you with that life.
That renewal.
That connection.

The birds and animals and insects
All understand my great power.
They feed on me
And come to me for shelter and protection.
They draw strength from that abundant energy source
Which is life itself.
Draw from my strength
And I will fill you with my peace.

As I listen to the voice of the trees
I am drawn to the promise they offer.
I hear
And I come.

Count It All Joy!

     I have done much internal work in the past several years in an attempt to elevate my life to a new level. There have been many lessons learned along the way--mostly in small, baby-sized steps. Today, I can say the lesson learned is HUGE, for I have learned the secret to dealing with all the emotional ups and downs of my life. Even more important is the knowledge that I can count it all joy!
     Yesterday, I had a little extra quiet time to work on some of my issues. The key question I asked was how do I identify the issue or issues that are the root (or core) of my problem. I have struggled with the concept for quite some time. To help, I was listening to one of my favorite EFT practicioners, Carol Look, on a free resource she hosts with Rick Wilkes called Talk Tap Radio (http://www.talktapradio.com/). More specifically, I listened to a podcast called "What Questions Can Lead Me to My Core Issues?" I did some EFT work in the process and came to a very interesting conclusion. The issue that has held me back most in my life are the emotions surrounding my experience with divorce.
     People have told me for YEARS that I am still angry with my ex-husband and I need to forgive him and let it go so I can move on. I honestly thought I had done that. I have an amicable relationship with him and am happy with the status quo. What I didn't fully appreciate until yesterday was that I had not ever truly experienced the emotions the whole experience has produced. I merely suppressed those emotions. That is why they are still there causing problems and creating barriers to the life I truly want to live!
     I took the opportunity to write my ex a letter (which I will never send) outlining the pain and anger the experience has caused me. My plan is to read over that letter and allow myself to fully experience those emotions. There is no need to do anything with them. They are there just to experience. Once I have allowed myself those feelings, I should be able to let them go.
     We truly are spiritual beings having a human experience. The emotions we feel on earth enable us to expand and grow. Pain and suffering serve us by allowing us to see beyond ourselves. As such, our problems are not without compensation. For that reason, instead of judging a situation as "bad" realize it is there to help you experience your human-ness. Count it all joy!

My Authentic Self

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.  ---Teilhard de Chardin
 
Last night was a bad night. We came home from watching the middle school play, which my youngest son had participated in, and almost immediately my daughter and oldest son began a huge fight. For most people, sibling fights are not a big deal. I had plenty with my sisters when I was growing up. Still, this was not a normal fight. My daughter has only recently been diagnosed with a "mood disorder". We have had to call the police to help us with her because she gets into these rages where there is no rational thought. She has been like this her whole life. When she was little, I could physically stop her. Now she is 16 and full grown. At this point in time, her brothers have gotten so tired of her verbal and physical abuse they now occassionally snap. Last night was one of those nights.
 
I struggled all night with the thought that I have brought all this on myself and that maybe I could have prevented the behaviors occurring with my daughter now if I had done something differently. After all, I have professional experience working with emotionally disturbed children. At this point, the abuse has worn me down to where I lose my own temper sometimes. I even find myself turning this anger inward, which leads to my depression. 
 
Fortunately, I remembered one very important thing this morning. I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Maybe I did bring about the circumstances that led to all this conflict in my life, but that's okay. I am here to learn, to grow. So I chose to have what Jennifer McLean (http://www.healingwiththemasters.com/, http://www.masterworkshealing.com/) calls a "level 10 experience". This means I have chosen to deal with an issue that will provide me with tremendous growth because of the challenges the experience presents. 
 
The world would look at this situation and say, "She must be a terrible parent with very poor coping skills." My authentic self sees this situation as one full of growth opportunties for both myself and my family. I am learning to overcome. I am learning to accept. I am learning to act instead of react. I am a work-in-progress. I am truly blessed.

The Importance of Living In the Now

     As spiritual beings going through this human experience, there are times we find ourselves contemplating both our pasts and our futures. Sometimes the thoughts are pleasant, like memories of being part of a traveling chorus or dreams of becoming a doctor. At other times, these thoughts can bog us down with regrets from the past or fears for the future. The past and the future are not good or bad in and of themselves. They truly only present problems when we spend too much time dwelling on them. It is by living in the present--in the now--that we experience the fullness and abundance life has to offer.
     Last night, I had the privilege of talking with a gifted healer named Mary A. Hall through Jennifer McLean's Masterworks Healing membership site (http://www.masterworkshealing.com/). As I began describing some of my frustration with my life, Mary tuned in to my very strong feeling of disconnect. The bottom line was, I needed to recconnect with my spirit by focusing inside myself and being present in the moment. This would lead me to the answers I was searching for. The truth in what Mary said spoke volumes to me, and I made the conscious decision to follow through.
     Today I made an effort to focus on being present in my body. Periodically I would say to myself, "I am here now." At these times, I would note my physical location as well as my feelings and energy levels. I began to realize I had many things to be thankful for. For example, while chasing after two year olds all day may be physically taxing, it not only keeps me active but it fills me up energetically. I realized my 5 year old car runs well and gets me where I need to be. I was comforted to know where my teenage children were. I felt the love and support my husband provides for me. Throughtout the course of the day I was able to note just how good things were in that moment. I felt a happiness and contentment I have not felt for a long time. I also began to realize how little I have been in my body lately. My energy body--my spiritual self--is very often in the future or past. This was the extreme disconnect I had been feeling! I could feel my mind expand as I embraced this new truth.
     In the now, everything is good. I don't beat myself up over things I should have done in the past. I don't worry about potential problems of the future. I have everything I need in that precise moment. I am alive. I am at peace. I am happy. I am whole.
     I used to think I would achieve the life of my dreams through imagining a better future. Today I know the life of my dreams is already here. It's in the now.   

Quiet Time

     Often in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, it is easy to forget how important it is to take a few quiet moments for yourself. Sometimes it is the circumstances of our lives that cause us to forget. At other times, we just don't make enough time for ourselves because we believe there is so much more we "have to do". Within the past few days of trying to carry on my "normal" life and deal with extraordinary problems, this simple truth has hit home with me as I struggle to fill myself up once again. I am convinced those times in our lives that feel slow--where we don't feel we are accomplishing anything--are truly important to our overall mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. We need to remember this and learn to appreciate this "down time".
     I went to work Monday on three hours of sleep after spending most of the night in the ER with my daughter. When I got home, I made dinner for the family and got some catch-up sleep (although a restless sleep). Tuesday I had to leave work early because I had to take my middle school son to the high school to sign up for his high school classes for next year. I quickly made dinner upon arriving home and drove to the hospital to see my daughter for visiting time. Wednesday, I went back to work and had to leave early again to go back to the hospital for a family counseling session. Fortunately, my daughter responded well to treatment and I was able to bring her home after the session  (no more hospital visits this week!). I have a few visits scheduled for her within the next couple of weeks, but today I do have some quiet time which I plan to take full advantage of.
     My plan is to spend a little time meditating, listening to music and trying to get in touch with God in me. I will probably listen to one of my favorite internet gurus, Jennifer McLean, on her MasterWorks Healing website (www.masterworkshealing.com/members). This has helped me through some of my worst depression in the past. I may do a little reading (one of my favorite pasttimes). I have found these things work for me. I appreciate the fact they are accessible and enable my body, mind and heart to heal.
     The important thing is, I know how critical it is for me to take this time for myself. It is not time I spend being lazy but time I deserve to replenish my soul. We all need (and deserve) this. Don't make the mistake of regretting this down time because you should be doing something more constructive and productive. Filling yourself up after the stresses of your life is a necessary and useful part of your development. Enjoy and relish those moments. It won't be long before you find yourself re-emerging into your own busy world with the strength to get through all the challenges life throws your way.   
    
   

The Perspective That Changes Everything

     For years I have believed things happen for a reason--that life is more than just a series of random events. Problems help us learn, grow and become stronger people. Still, through all the many lessons I've learned, I have a tendency to let negative experiences challenge my mental/emotional well-being. The past few months have been months of profound change and growth for me. If I were to define what has happened, I would have to say my perspective has changed in major ways. I still believe things happen for a reason. I just now understand that everything in my life--both the good and the bad--is there because of my thoughts and desires. The negative experiences show up to teach me lessons I need to learn. This perspective has moved me from powerless to powerful as I ask myself what this experience is here to teach me and move to deal with this situation head on.
     I spent many depressed years as a single parent. Even though I love and enjoy my children very much, making all major decisions and being responsible for four people can get pretty overwhelming at times. While my second marriage gave me additional strength, it was also the time my children experienced the teen years--not an easy time for a parent.
     My daughter has given me an especially rough time. Besides her ADHD, she has struggled with her own depression and poor choices in friends. At times, the arguing and fighting have been fierce, leaving me with overwhelming depression. The whole situation has made my entire household tense.
     About a month ago, I began looking at these problems from this new perspective. I thought, "I brought these problems in. What am I supposed to learn from them?" As soon as I asked the question, solutions began to show up! My mind was flooded with possibilities of things I could try to deal with the situation. Instead of the victimization of the past, I now held the keys to overcome!
     Last night, my daughter began a fight with one of her brothers that was about the become physical. As I moved to stop the situation from escalating, I realized I felt a strange sense of calm that was not present a month ago when I dealt with similar situations. I reacted more calmly than I ever had before, and for the first time I was able to convince my daughter to back down! What a difference! What power!
     My coping skills have greatly increased this month. Whenever I get feelings that make me sad, angry or nervous, I use this question ("What is this supposed to teach me?") to begin to develop ways to cope. This perspective has taken me from sitting on the bench to being a full player in the game of my life. It is the perspective that changes everything, and I will never be the same.