Friday, June 17, 2011

To Forge Ahead

Yesterday was an awful day for me. I was still recovering from a slight bout of illness, and I had to take my daughter clothes shopping for a few more things she needed for camp. The thing is, I hate clothes shopping and I dislike shopping for clothes with my daughter as she is rarely happy with anything. Add to all this the fact we were pressed for time and my daughter was getting nervous about going to camp (for someone who is bipolar, change is rough) and you have a perfect storm sort of scenario.

I spent the afternoon taking verbal abuse from my daughter--several hours worth. Any show of weakness from myself (such as anger) results in an even bigger barrage of attack. My husband called in the middle of the maelstrom, and I pretty much ripped his head off. (I apologized later, although he already understood.) My mom called a while later. I decided not to even answer because I didn't want to rip into her as well. Yes, I did not answer a phone call from my mother! I did not have good control over myself.

Most days, I believe there is still hope for my daughter and that we will all get through the craziness that is our life right now--that somehow she will end up healed and whole. Yesterday was just not one of those days. I could see the disparity between how she acts with her bipolar depression and what is considered "normal", and it was extremely hard to take.

Today is a new day. I look at the day I had, and even through the midst of the angst and confusion I know that I am far different person than I was even a year ago. Yes, the abuse of yesterday hurt, but I am no longer powerless in the face of great frustration. My personal vibration has improved noticeably, and the abuse is absorbed and released in the new flow that has become my life. I can go on with the knowledge everything is well in hand and will be resolved in the end. I forge ahead knowing yesterday's frustrations are already part of the past. I look forward to what lies ahead as I experience each moment of the present.

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