Wake-Up Call

Depression held me in its tight grip for years. I never anticipated being a single mom. I never anticipated being solely responsible for raising a very troubled daughter. Most days felt as though I was barely keeping my head above water, trying not to drown in the tumultuous waters of my life.

When my daughter was small, I could make her conform to society's rules. This was not always easy. She would have terrible tantrums and meltdowns in situations which were comfortable and untroubled for most people. As she got older, this became much more of a problem because she was stronger and consequently more dangerous in her irrational rages. Holes in walls and broken doors became the norm. In my depressed state, it became impossible for me to keep up with the clutter as my house literally fell apart. I stopped inviting friends over, afraid that if they saw the state of my home they would know my secret--that I had major problems I did not know how to deal with.

I became quite good at keeping up the facade. I kept the kids in outside activities they were interested in and encouraged them to pursue their talents. I helped with their homework, cooked them dinner, did their laundry and continued to work fulltime. I was getting by until the summer my daughter turned sixteen.

By this time, my daughter was as big as me and very rebellious. Trying to tell her to do anything would set her off on some out-of-control rage. My sons, my new husband and I always felt like we were walking on eggshells whenever she was around. She did what she wanted. Grounding her did no good. Where the boys would stay confined in their room, my daughter would laugh in my face and walk out the door.

One day toward the end of the summer, my daughter came to me and told me she was pregnant. We took her to the doctor where this was confirmed. Less than a week later just as we were getting used to the idea of her being a mom and me being a grandma, she had to be rushed to the emergency room because she was having a miscarriage. I felt guilty in being relieved by how things worked out because my daughter was hurting.

If all that trauma wasn't bad enough, about a month later, she was attacked and nearly raped while walking by herself after dark in our neighborhood. She was only saved because she was carrying her cell phone and managed to text some friends nearby who rescued her. She had been introduced to her attacker once by a mutual friend so he was caught and brought to justice. However, because he had a large number of friends and family members who lived in our neighborhood, life for my daughter got that much harder. Always a little paranoid and not very social, now she was getting accused of "lying" about the attack and getting their friend in trouble. It had always been difficult to get my daughter to go to school--most of our major fights happened in the morning before school. Now it was impossible to even get her out of bed. I tried to move her to her father's school district where she wouldn't come into contact with these kids, but that did not work either. My brilliant daughter, who actually won the Algebra award at her high school her freshman year for having the highest GPA in the class, was now a high school dropout. Because of her trauma, she also suffered from nightmares, panic attacks and PTSD.

Through the entire process, I fought with myself. I worked so hard to keep up appearances--to pretend that nothing was wrong. I found myself judging my daughter at every turn because she did not follow what my head told me was the "right" way to do things. The whole time, my heart pleaded with me, "Stop it! You are living a lie--a world created in your imagination out of all those things you were taught were 'truths'!" The voice in my heart continued to get louder and the problems in my life continued to get bigger until my body could take no more. I screamed back, "Enough! I am ready to stop fighting the truth and accept my daughter for who she is!"

As hard and as painful as this realization was, it continues to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is only in accepting my life as it truly IS that I can finally see past the lies I have been taught to believe in. What I believed to be "the rules" was merely a construct designed to maintain order and control. I now understand the judgment I held was part of this construct. Finally, I can look past the judgment to the beauty of the soul which resides in each person--to the Divinity of each one, including myself. I see my daughter's light and the blessing she is to me, and for the first time I am thankful.

I slept most of my forty-five years because I lived from the teachings in my head instead of the truth in my heart. If there is confusion and discord in your life, understand it is here to tell you something. Ask what it is you need to learn from this experience. It may just wake you up to truth!

What Forgiveness Really Does

I see a great deal of unforgiveness in the world today, and I have to confess it really bothers me. It isn't just because I can sense the anger and resentment bubbling just below the surface of the people it affects. It isn't because I believe the unforgiven to be riddled with guilt (although sometimes they are). What bothers me most about unforgiveness is the fact that the very act keeps the unforgiver in a perpetual state of anger and resentment. To me, it's a self-made prison--a form of hell on earth.

Let's dissect an example of unforgiveness: a nasty divorce. You think about the hurt, the betrayal, the disappointment, the loss. You play games with the finances, the assets, the kids. You basically lose yourself in every negative feeling the experience brings up. You may even justify its existence by thinking how you've been wronged and how your ex deserves every negative thing which results from your pain. The thing is, when you allow yourself to exist in this state, you are the victim. You are not in a place where you can summon up the courage and resources you need to go on. You are wallowing and trapped. Sometimes, we allow this pain and negativity to go on for years.

When you come to a place of forgiveness, you are in a place of acceptance. You acknowledge what has happened, learn from it and look for new and different paths. Often, you are in a state of appreciation for how you have grown as a human. The chains of victimhood are now broken, and you are free once again to become the powerful creator of your life you were meant to be.

Life can be hard, and it is definitely not fair. Acknowledge this and allow yourself to move on and expand. Holding on to unforgiveness is a block that can keep you from receiving many of the blessings life has to offer. The willingness to let the negativity go will create new opportunities for growth. The reality is, forgiveness does much more for the forgiver than it does for the forgiven. It allows the forgiver to move forward and into a better life.

Thankful

In America, Thanksgiving is a day we traditionally look at our own lives and remember all those things we are thankful for. As I look at my own life, it appears much the same as it did last year. Still the changes in my life have been huge, for they have been internal changes which have shifted my perceptions on life and totally changed the ways I act in the world.

Acceptance has been one of those changes. In the past, I would look at difficult situations as catastrophes and in many instances they would overwhelm me to the point of inaction. While I can't say I am totally proactive at this point in time, I can say I am much better at assessing the crisis and remembering it is something I have called to myself because of what it can teach me. Instead of dreading the crisis, I ask, "What is it I need to learn from this?" and am able to deal with each instance a little at a time.

I have also gained a better understanding of judgement--where it comes from and why it needs to be avoided. I know how it separates us from one another and how this separation harms us through blocking energy (love) that should be flowing freely between us.

I know my life isn't perfect. As always, it is a work in progress. Still, I am appreciative of those things I have gained in the past year--the ability to cope more effectively in the world and the lessening of the blocks between myself and my fellow man. I am blessed, and for that I am truly thankful.