My Authentic Self

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.  ---Teilhard de Chardin
 
Last night was a bad night. We came home from watching the middle school play, which my youngest son had participated in, and almost immediately my daughter and oldest son began a huge fight. For most people, sibling fights are not a big deal. I had plenty with my sisters when I was growing up. Still, this was not a normal fight. My daughter has only recently been diagnosed with a "mood disorder". We have had to call the police to help us with her because she gets into these rages where there is no rational thought. She has been like this her whole life. When she was little, I could physically stop her. Now she is 16 and full grown. At this point in time, her brothers have gotten so tired of her verbal and physical abuse they now occassionally snap. Last night was one of those nights.
 
I struggled all night with the thought that I have brought all this on myself and that maybe I could have prevented the behaviors occurring with my daughter now if I had done something differently. After all, I have professional experience working with emotionally disturbed children. At this point, the abuse has worn me down to where I lose my own temper sometimes. I even find myself turning this anger inward, which leads to my depression. 
 
Fortunately, I remembered one very important thing this morning. I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Maybe I did bring about the circumstances that led to all this conflict in my life, but that's okay. I am here to learn, to grow. So I chose to have what Jennifer McLean (http://www.healingwiththemasters.com/, http://www.masterworkshealing.com/) calls a "level 10 experience". This means I have chosen to deal with an issue that will provide me with tremendous growth because of the challenges the experience presents. 
 
The world would look at this situation and say, "She must be a terrible parent with very poor coping skills." My authentic self sees this situation as one full of growth opportunties for both myself and my family. I am learning to overcome. I am learning to accept. I am learning to act instead of react. I am a work-in-progress. I am truly blessed.

The Importance of Living In the Now

     As spiritual beings going through this human experience, there are times we find ourselves contemplating both our pasts and our futures. Sometimes the thoughts are pleasant, like memories of being part of a traveling chorus or dreams of becoming a doctor. At other times, these thoughts can bog us down with regrets from the past or fears for the future. The past and the future are not good or bad in and of themselves. They truly only present problems when we spend too much time dwelling on them. It is by living in the present--in the now--that we experience the fullness and abundance life has to offer.
     Last night, I had the privilege of talking with a gifted healer named Mary A. Hall through Jennifer McLean's Masterworks Healing membership site (http://www.masterworkshealing.com/). As I began describing some of my frustration with my life, Mary tuned in to my very strong feeling of disconnect. The bottom line was, I needed to recconnect with my spirit by focusing inside myself and being present in the moment. This would lead me to the answers I was searching for. The truth in what Mary said spoke volumes to me, and I made the conscious decision to follow through.
     Today I made an effort to focus on being present in my body. Periodically I would say to myself, "I am here now." At these times, I would note my physical location as well as my feelings and energy levels. I began to realize I had many things to be thankful for. For example, while chasing after two year olds all day may be physically taxing, it not only keeps me active but it fills me up energetically. I realized my 5 year old car runs well and gets me where I need to be. I was comforted to know where my teenage children were. I felt the love and support my husband provides for me. Throughtout the course of the day I was able to note just how good things were in that moment. I felt a happiness and contentment I have not felt for a long time. I also began to realize how little I have been in my body lately. My energy body--my spiritual self--is very often in the future or past. This was the extreme disconnect I had been feeling! I could feel my mind expand as I embraced this new truth.
     In the now, everything is good. I don't beat myself up over things I should have done in the past. I don't worry about potential problems of the future. I have everything I need in that precise moment. I am alive. I am at peace. I am happy. I am whole.
     I used to think I would achieve the life of my dreams through imagining a better future. Today I know the life of my dreams is already here. It's in the now.