Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Reinvention of Me

I've lived many lifetimes within this lifetime. The first part of my life was lived in what I will call total flow. As a small child, I always went with my gut and lived in the present moment. Every day was experienced to its fullest as I sought out each new element of my world. I also had great compassion for others who were feeling sad. I could sense the pain of others, and I would often try to help them feel better. It also turned me into the champion of the underdog when I saw people being mercilessly picked on. Everyone was my friend. The world was my oyster.

This all changed when I was twelve. I intercepted a note--meant for a friend--from a new girl. The note questioned why "Cindy has to be in charge of everything." I had never before realized that other people might not like where I was leading them! I had no desire to control others--no desire to force them to do things they didn't want to do. I became a listener, but I also began to hold myself back from many things I desired to do because of the needs of others. This was my second incarnation.

My third incarnation happened when I became "an adult" at age 18. I chose to go to college hundreds of miles away from where my folks lived. I was independent for the first time in my life, and it was scary. I knew all the rules and had been a good rule follower. Now it was time to go out into the "real world" and make something of myself. This was a time of shifting identities--of trying on new hats to see if they fit. Most of them seemed fleeting and vague. I became student, wife, counselor, mother, single mother, teacher and wife again. My identity was often tied to my particular role at the moment. Some of them were not particularly healthy, and I spent a good deal of time depressed as I searched for the identity that was really me. Elements of me were always there in each of them, but none of them seemed to fit my true calling. This third incarnation was perhaps the most precarious, because it was the time I tried to fit into what the world told me I was instead of what my heart told me I was. (This is often the root cause of depression!)

My fourth incarnation began at the ripe old age of forty-five (present day). It has only been within the past year I have come to appreciate the wealth of experiences I have had, both good and bad. In all the time my identity shifted, I was in "growth mode". I was not powerless, like I felt for a long time. I was merely learning. Now that I have recognized this, I am able to use this newfound knowledge of myself to become what I was meant to become. I know I have the strong ability to sense the feelings of others. I have always desired to heal the pain of others. I also have insights I believe others value and appreciate, as well as the ability to express these ideas well through the medium of words. Although I have not yet perfectly identified how I am to do all this professionally, I am confident I am on the right path. The exact doors will open at the right time.

We are all many people at many different times in our lives. This is the growth process, the life process. Whatever stage of life you are in, know there is always something precious to be gained. If you don't like your direction because it doesn't feel "right", you are always free to change it. There are no absolutes. There is only you and your growth and your own personal evolution. This is the secret to life. Be bold and go for it!   

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